


Chain-Smoking Grandma Lusus

by Neigedens



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asteroidstuck, Backstory, Gen, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-29
Updated: 2012-04-29
Packaged: 2017-11-04 12:17:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neigedens/pseuds/Neigedens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You and Terezi are hiding from Karkat. For lack of anything constructive to do on the asteroid, Karkat has taken to policing the alchemiters and ruthlessly regimenting how much grist everyone is allowed to use to alchemize the sizable amount of crap you all want. You have a feeling Terezi could easily talk him down from his fascist rationing, but instead she has opted for an elaborate plan of misdirection and emotional sabotage."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chain-Smoking Grandma Lusus

\--Show dialoglog--  
TEREZI: SO CORPS3 P4RT13S  
TEREZI: 4R3 CORPS3 P4RT13S R34LLY 4 TH1NG D4V3?  
DAVE: i guess  
DAVE: why  
TEREZI: 1T JUST S33MS V3RY STR4NG3 TO M3  
TEREZI: T3LL M3 OF YOUR 4L13N W4YS D4V3  
TEREZI: 1 LONG TO KNOW 4LLLLLLL 4BOUT TH3M  
DAVE: bullshit no you dont  
TEREZI: H4 H4 Y3S 1 OV3RSOLD MY H4ND ON TH4T ON3  
TEREZI: SORRY 1M JUST BOR3D

You and Terezi are hiding from Karkat. For lack of anything constructive to do on the asteroid, Karkat has taken to policing the alchemiters and ruthlessly regimenting how much grist everyone is allowed to use to alchemize the sizable amount of crap you all want. You have a feeling Terezi could easily talk him down from his fascist rationing, but instead she has opted for an elaborate plan of misdirection and emotional sabotage. It seems overly complex to you, but you're stuck on this asteroid for another three years and you've got nothing but fucking time. You might as well let her do what she wants to do.

TEREZI: W3 DO NOT H4V3 TO T4LK 4BOUT S1LLY HUM4N TR4D1T1ONS 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO!  
DAVE: its fine i guess  
DAVE: i mean ive only ever been to one   
DAVE: corpse party or funeral or whatever. and it was actually a real one for a person, not just an ironic one for a cat  
TEREZI: D4V3 YOU SHOULD H4V3 M3NT1ON3D TH1S  
TEREZI: 1 WOULD H4V3 SGG3ST3D YOU B3 PROMOT3D TO H34D CORPS3 P4RT1ER 1NST34D OF ROS3 >:]  
DAVE: dude id have fucking passed on that  
DAVE: you know i cant take the responsibility  
TEREZI: >:]  
TEREZI: SO WHO W4S 1T?  
DAVE: the head corpse partier i think we can both agree was your juggalo clown pal  
DAVE: son of a bitch really knows how to party down with corpses doesn't he. i would not have had his fucking dedication to the craft of smooching dead people.  
TEREZI: NO STUP1D!  
TEREZI: 1 M34N WHOS3 FUN3R4L D1D YOU 4TT3ND B4CK ON 34RTH?  
DAVE: yeah i know  
DAVE: she was just an old lady who lived in the apartment below us  
DAVE: shit didnt you watch my life unfold all creeper-like? why dont you know this  
TEREZI: W3LL 1 SUR3LY D1D NOT T4K3 V3RY 3XT3NS1V3 NOT3S ON 3V3RY 3L3M3NT D4V3  
TEREZI: PL34S3 CONT1NU3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT YOUR F33L1NGS 1N 4 V3RY NON-COOL M4NN3R, 1 4M 4LL 34RS >:]

You and her are actually pretty comfy, comfier than you would have believed hiding in a vent could be. This is so stupid, waiting for Karkat to let his guard down, and if chilling with Terezi in a confined space weren't so relaxing you might be suggesting you two do something less stupid, which at this point would be pretty much fucking anything, even something like making out or letting those teeth of hers anywhere close to your person.

DAVE: cant we just wait till he goes to sleep or something  
TEREZI: K4RK4T N3V3R SL33PS  
TEREZI: 1TS H1S STRONG PO1NT 4S 4 L34DER  
TEREZI: H3 1S 4LW4YS 4W4K3 TO BRUT4LLY B34T A SUBORD1N4T3 1NTO SUBM1SS1ON  
DAVE: ok you describing that sounded a lot more badass than i bet it probably is  
DAVE: probably he yells at them until doing what he says is the least annoying option   
TEREZI: YOU H4V3 CR4CK3D TH3 V4NT4S COD3!  
TEREZI: GOOD JOB D4V3  
DAVE: ha thanks  
TEREZI: SO TH1S OLD WOM4N WHOS3 FUN3R4L YOU 4TT3ND3D  
DAVE: what are we still talking about that  
TEREZI: YOUR3 R1GHT D4V3, WHY DONT W3 T4LK 4BOUT K4RK4TS M4NY N3UROS3S SOM3 MOR3 1NST34D???  
TEREZI: HOW 4BSOLUT3LY F4SCIN4T1NG!!!  
DAVE: ha point  
DAVE: her name was marian  
DAVE: she was my bro's mom kinda  
TEREZI: >:?

Marian and her husband were your bro's foster parents for most of his life, until various lifestyle conflicts with the husband led to Bro striking out on his own, until he came across your newborn ass one day and adopted you. By then Marian's husband was dead and she was amenable to sort of helping Bro raise you, if only because she needed something to do between trips to the casino and "Starsky & Hutch" reruns. 

DAVE: she was pretty cool actually  
DAVE: my chain-smoking grandma lusus  
TEREZI: 4H4H4H4   
DAVE: i mean i was pretty young when she died  
DAVE: i dont remember a lot about her except the smell of pall malls and starskys immaculately sculpted ass  
TEREZI: >:]  
DAVE: seriously that man was a god   
DAVE: a god in some tight fucking jeans  
DAVE: stiller cannot compare to that shit  
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1TS 1NT3R3ST1NG HOW WH3N T4LK1NG 3V3N SUP3RF1C14LLY 4BOUT WH4T COULD B3 C4LL3D 4N 3MOT1ON YOU 1MM3D14T3LY V31L 4LL YOUR WORDS B3H1ND 4 CURT41N OF 1RONY  
DAVE: dude fuck curtains  
DAVE: at this point its like a giant brick house with tiny little slits for windows that im shooting arrows out of  
DAVE: and pouring some hot oil of shut the fuck up terezi  
TEREZI: TH4T M3T4PHOR D1DNT 3V3N M4K3 S3NS3  
DAVE: shut the fuck up terezi  
TEREZI: >:]

Marian always maintained an elaborate emotional distance from you that explained a lot (but not even close to everything) about Bro. She insisted that she was not related to you by blood in any way. Bro told you this, too, but you never believed him. The stupidest part is that neither of them ever really lied to you; Bro always told you that you and he were related by an esoteric process of genetic reamalgamation, which was never anything to you but so much bullshit. Marian never gave you a straight answer either, other than to aggressively deny any responsibility for inflicting your bro on the world, so after awhile you started to believe that your mysterious origins were less an intriguing mystery that you would unravel when you got older and more just evidence of how evasive the tools you called guardians could be.

DAVE: but getting back to the corpse party bit  
DAVE: theyre actually pretty lame  
TEREZI: 1 K1ND OF F1GUR3D TH3Y WOULD B3  
TEREZI: DONT T3LL 4R4D14 TH1S BUT 1 C4NT TH1NK OF 4NYTH1NG 1D R4TH3R DO L3SS W1TH 4 CORPS3  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: bro didnt get a lot of say in the funeral arrangements  
DAVE: im pretty sure he would have launched her remains out of a cannon and had some sort of ironic hash-rap showdown as her eulogy  
DAVE: but in the end her douchebag husbands sisters did most of the corpse party planning so we went to the methodist church instead and listened to some priestly fucker go on about a bunch of spiritual crap id never heard her give a shit about when she was alive  
TEREZI: >:/ TH4T SOUNDS R34LLY L4M3  
DAVE: yeah kinda  
DAVE: and then we went to the wake and there were ham rolls, the end  
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 H4M ROLLS  
DAVE: really terezi  
DAVE: really  
TEREZI: >:[  
TEREZI: W3LL 1M GL4D OUR CORPS3 P4RTY H3R3 N3V3R WORK3D OUT  
DAVE: yeah   
TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 WOULD H4V3 L1K3D L4UNCH1NG 4LL OF MY D34D FR13NDS BOD1ES OR STUFF1NG TH3M W1TH H4M OR WH4T3V3R  
TEREZI: S33MS K1ND of T4ST3L3SS!  
DAVE: too fucking true

So you two just sit there and watch Karkat start to doze off. You don't care what Terezi says, he has to sleep sometimes.

DAVE: you know maybe im the sucker here  
TEREZI: TH4T 1S V3RY L1K3LY D4V3   
TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU M34N?   
DAVE: obviously this whole cuddle up in the vent thing was a ploy to get me to talk about feelings or something   
DAVE: or so you could lick my irises or something weird like that   
TEREZI: D4V3 HOW COULD YOU S4Y TH4T   
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 4LR34DY DON3 4LL TH3 W31RD SH1T, YOU 4R3 OBV1OUSLY S4F3 4S H1V3S   
DAVE: yeah ok   
TEREZI: BUT OF COURS3 YOUR3 R1GHT, TH3 ONLY REASON 1 ST4RT3D TH1S ST4K3OUT W4S TO H34R ABOUT YOU, NOT B3C4US3 1 JUST W4NT3D TO 4LCH3M1Z3 SOM3 FUCK1NG FR13D GRUBLO4F  
TEREZI: K4RK4T H4S D33M3D FR13D GRUBLO4F TOO FULL OF D3L1C1OUS TR4NSF4TS 4ND WH1L3 H3 1S R1GHT H3 1S NOT TH3 BOSS OF M3  
DAVE: fuck yeah  
TEREZI: 1F 1T M4K3S YOU F33L 4NY B3TT3R, I 4LSO H4V3 4MB1V4L3NT F33L1NGS 4BOUT MY LUSUS   
DAVE: yeah?  
TEREZI: 4CTU4LLY 1M LY1NG MY LUSUS W4S 4 B4D4SS HUG3 DR4GON WHO G4V3 M3 SUP3RPOW3RS  
TEREZI: YOUR3 R1GHT D4V3 1 W4S TRY1NG TO DR4W YOU OUT  
DAVE: dammit tz  
TEREZI: 4ND 1T WORK3D!  
TEREZI: SER1OUSLY. D4V3. 1 4M NOT LOV3LY M1SS OR4NG3 SORB3T KNOW 1T 4LL, 1 DONT *C4R3* 4BOUT TH3 P4NGS OF 4DOL3SC3NC3 TH4T TORM3NT YOUR WR3TCH3D TH1NK P4N OR WH4T3V3R  
DAVE: thank god  
TEREZI: 1 JUST W4NT GRUBLO4F  
DAVE: a fucking men

So she and you wait for her plan to go off, which it does without a hitch, less because of her immaculate talents of manipulation and more because Karkat is predictably easy to displace when he hears Gamzee on the horn pile once again. You do not understand Karkat in the slightest and it is your greatest wish after three years on this asteroid for that still to be true. He can go off with his weird clown boyfriend for all you care, and Terezi can be oddly fine with it even though she and him were sort of kind of maybe dating? All this troll romance bullshit is another thing you plan to maintain your ignorance about as carefully as possible. What happens between Karkat and his clown stoner pal is their own fucking business, and if Terezi is cool with it then so too is it cool with you, but only because you are Dave Strider and everything you do is, by definition, cool. You alchemize a pile of those wretched Pizza Pockets and attempt to not give a fuck.

> Dave: Attempt to not give a fuck

You completely fail to not give a fuck. You look at Terezi stuffing her face and suddenly have to get the bottom of this troll bucket of crap, pun definitely fucking intended.

> Be Terezi

You are now Terezi. You and your rad coolkid bff have just alchemized some tasty fried grubloaf, plus a pile of human crap food you don't care about. The fried grubloaf was the major point of contention, and has been for weeks, with Karkat maintaining that fried grubloaf had best remain among the ashes of your vanished civilization, and with you maintaining that Karkat is a nubbyhorned busybody who can shove it.

Dave's human food tastes an awful lot like the grubloaf, actually.

DAVE: are you trying to tell me that both of our cultures developed sodium benzoate mutually exclusive of the other  
TEREZI: SO 1T 4PP34RS, D4V3!  
DAVE: like both of them were all fuck it lets pump our kids full of delicious salt drenched frozen preservatives what can go wrong  
TEREZI: 4ND 1T 1S SO D3L1C1OUS!  
DAVE: hey im not complaining seriously i could eat this all day

Dave puts down his pocket of pizza suddenly and decides to attempt seriousness.

DAVE: so look i told you all about my tear-streaked childhood and chain-smoking grandma lusus  
DAVE: and i know you love smelling my tears so youre fucking welcome  
TEREZI: >:]  
DAVE: but now you actually have to tell me about what the deal with karkat is  
TEREZI: UGHHHH D4V3  
DAVE: i dont mean like that  
DAVE: like i told you i dont give a fuck about what you want to call what we are  
DAVE: if we actually are anything but a pair of two coolkids eating shitty alien food together  
DAVE: like maybe that is a legit kind of troll relationship, i didnt even think of that  
DAVE: but come on tz its not like im going to get down on one knee and insist that you make a proper man of me so we can have horrible little troll/human grubbabies  
TEREZI: 1 WOULD M4K3 4 PROP3R M4N OUT OF YOU D4V3 >:]  
DAVE: your creepy flirting aside  
DAVE: seriously i just want to know what happened here before me and rose showed up and what gamzee did and why it means that karkat needs to constantly babysit him and why it seems to not bug you at all  
TEREZI: OH  
TEREZI: SO TH1S 1S *TH4T* CONV3RS4T1ON  
DAVE: i figure it might as well be now when i have you full of grubcake and shitty tomato sauce  
TEREZI: >:[

> Terezi: Attempt to explain.

There's a lot to explain! You are not sure if you are capable of encapsulating the events of that day to Dave in a manner that is both brief and thorough. You would probably have to offer an explanation of the romantic quadrants that is much more exhaustive than you are currently willing to give and Dave is currently willing to listen to.

> Terezi: Attempt to sum up

TEREZI: 1 ST4BB3D VR1SK4 SO SH3 WOULD NOT K1LL US 4LL G4MZ33 SN4PP3D SO K4RK4T H4D TO C4LM H1M DOWN SO H3 COULD NOT K1LL US 4LL  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3N SOLLUX H4D TO 3XP3ND H1S PS1ON1C POW3RS TO 3SC4P3 TH3 3ND OF TH3 UN1V3RS3 WH1CH 1NC1D3NT4LLY W4S 4BOUT TO K1LL US 4LL  
DAVE: well yeah i kinda knew all that already  
DAVE: so you went through with it  
DAVE: killing her  
TEREZI: Y3S  
DAVE: wow this conversation has gotten less hilarious all of a sudden

Your attempt at briefly summing things up has gone horribly awry. This is going nowhere!

> Terezi: Explain yourself

TEREZI: TH3 OTH3R OPT1ON W4S D34TH  
TEREZI: 4LL OF OUR D34THS  
DAVE: i know  
DAVE: im not judging  
TEREZI: Y3S D4V3 1 KNOW TH4T YOU WOULD 4SSUM3 TH4T 1 4M UND3RST4ND4BLY CONFL1CT3D 4BOUT WH4T H4PP3N3D W1TH VR1SK4 4ND TH4T YOU WOULD 4WKW4RDLY TRY TO CH4NG3 TH3 SUBJ3CT  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S TH3 SORT OF TH1NG 1 4M V3RY GOOD 4T S331NG B31NG TH3 S33R OF M1ND 4ND 4LL  
TEREZI: >:]  
DAVE: shit all i wanted to do was eat pizza pockets with you and talk about shipping tz  
DAVE: fuck all this heavy stuff i mean you did what you had to do  
DAVE: i guess. im not the seer of fucking mind am i  
DAVE: my point is what the fuck does it mean that gamzee and karkat are on a pile together  
DAVE: on a scale of one to my god how filthy of a sex act is that and please feel free to be as explicit as possible i probably have seen worse

This is more up your alley!

> Terezi: Explain to your coolkid friend the sacred mystery moirallegiance

TEREZI: 1T 1S PR3TTY D1SGUST1NG BUT NOT 1N TH3 TYP1C4L HUM4N M4NN3R 1 B3L13V3 YOU M4Y B3 TH1NK1NG OF  
TEREZI: B31NG 4NOTH3R TROLLS MO1R41L 3NT41LS 4 D3GR33 PROT3CT1V3N3SS NOT NORM4LLY S33N 1N HUM4N R3L4T1ONSH1PS 1 B3L13V3  
DAVE: k. so explain the pile  
TEREZI: TH3Y JUST SORT OF S1T ON TH3 P1L3 TOG3TH3R T4LK1NG 4BOUT F33L1NGS 4ND C4LM1NG 34CH OTH3R DOWN  
DAVE: ...wow that is gross  
TEREZI: 1SNT 1T??? DONT TH3Y KNOW TH4T 1T 1S ONLY PROP3R TO T4LK 4BOUT YOUR F33L1NGS 4TOP 4 P1L3 OF JUNK FOOD?

Heavy stuff: averted.

> Dave: Bring up the heavy stuff again.

DAVE: so gamzee...did he really...  
TEREZI: >:[  
DAVE: thats a yes i guess  
TEREZI: W3LL HOP3FULLY NOW TH4T YOU 4ND M1SS KNOW 1T 4LL 4R3 H3R3 W3 4R3 DON3 W1TH 4LL TH3 S3NS3L3SS K1LL1NG!  
DAVE: yeah i should fucking hope so  
DAVE: senseless everything else i can deal with  
TEREZI: YOU 4ND ROS3 C4N H4V3 TH3 V3RY C4LM1NG 1NFLU3NC3 ON OUR 3NT1R3 P4RTY TH4T TH3 1D34L MO1R4LL3G14NC3 1S THOUGHT TO H4V3 B3TW33N 1ND1V1DU4L TROLLS  
TEREZI: NOT TH4T 1 WOULD KNOW S1NC3 1 H4V3 N3V3R H4D 4 MO1R41L B3FOR3  
DAVE: really  
TEREZI: YES 1TS TRU3! 1T 1S 4 QU4DR4NT TH4T H4S N3V3R 4PP34L3D TO M3 1 ADM1T  
TEREZI: 1 4LW4YS THOUGHT TH4T PERH4PS 1 H4D NOT Y3T M3T TH3 R1GHT TROLL BUT TH4T S33MS UNL1K3LY TO H4PP3N 4T TH1S PO1NT  
DAVE: well dont look at me  
DAVE: if you ever start turning into troll hulk all im going to do is come down here and alchemize some fucking popcorn all right  
DAVE: like shit whod have thought terezi the whacko blind girl with a justice fetish would someday completely fucking snap  
TEREZI: >:]  
DAVE: i mean assuming that early on in the rampage you dont decide to rip out my stomach and feed on my delicious red blood i imagine itd be pretty fun to watch  
TEREZI: YOU S33M TO H4V3 PUT 4 LOT OF THOUGHT 1NTO TH1S  
DAVE: yeah maybe

The pizza pockets and the grubloaf are nearly gone. You and Terezi listen to the distant honks of the horn pile, the quiet wheeze of the meteor, and then try to clear up the debris of your binge so Karkat won't notice when he gets back.

Karkat does notice, of course. Karkat is a fascist who notices everything, but part of you suspects that he's not as into chewing you out as he normally is. The mayor finds you and saves your asses just in time, and the three of you abscond with your pockets of pizza before Karkat can find anything else to throw at you.


End file.
